The Connection

As I sit here, typing to you, I have a range of mixed feelings. Happiness and sadness exist as one in my heart and soul. An elevated buzz feeling, the one you usually get after drinking coffee, or shaah macaan exists alongside a heart-falling-to-the-ground-with-a-thump-feeling. My heart is light and heavy at the same time. My eyes wish to cry tears of sadness and tears of genuine appreciation for being blessed. My fingers are heavy as I type this, yet behind them is a force of determination and energy that wishes to…well…to simply….



To belong. Yes. A simple word could mean so much to a human being. I wish to belong. Today I contacted to a few relatives and friends in Africa. These are relatives I have lost touch with because of our busy lives and family problems. When I visit Africa, sometimes we are in the same room and only exchange a few sentences. Not because we are upset with one another.

I have good relations with them. But because of the general busy atmosphere in the gathering that doesn’t allow us to sit and chat like old times. I usually sit there, smiling, enjoying several conversations at once, each person wanting to spend some time talking to me. The important people usually get left behind, like my dear cousins.

We had so much fun when we were little. There is a big age gap between me and my cousins but that never bothered me. I would run and play along with them. Now speaking to them I realised how much I missed them. Missed being a part of their lives.

Then the question hit me. Do I belong to this group of people? When we are in a gathering, am I really a part of this group? We may be united by blood, but are we united by spirit and love? I don’t know. Living abroad makes relationships harder to keep. It makes people forget you. They chat politely with you when they see you. Nothing deep. Just light conversation. Sometimes it’s just a hi and a goodbye from afar from uncles and cousins who are older but who used to chat with me in English (to practice their language skills) when we were younger.

Oh those days. I can just sit here and remember the fun we had. I really felt like I belonged to them back then. Things weren’t complicated back then. Everyone got along with everyone. Or so it seemed. Now relatives fight and argue with one another, creating tension within the extended family. I always try to create peace. And I vow to have better communication with my lovely realtives, even if we are busy. I want to show them my appreciation of them.

I wish they could feel the loneliness that I feel right now. How alone I feel without my family and relatives. They have each other over there. They have a support unit. A community. They gather together when they can, even if they don’t like each other. I don’t like some of my relatives simply because they are rude, but what can we do? Forgive and move on and show them you’re not to be messed around with so they can show some respect. And then they do. And those you don’t like, you can just say hi fiican and bye from afar.

They think we are lucky. Living abroad. They think money grows on the trees. We live in mansions. kaalay imoow waad arki doonta in meeshaan lagu wareerayeee